Growth

Throughout our lives we’re told to be a certain way and if we don’t conform to that certain way then we are bad or wrong or even worse, cast aside.

But it doesn’t have to be like that.

If you read one of many countless autobiographies of anyone one thing you will probably find in common is that they never truly fitted in anywhere and it was either individual strength of character or parenting that allowed them to survive a school system not designed for them.

Most self-helps books you may read as you get older and even psychological thoughts on the mind may invite you to re-learn who you actually are by unlearning everything you were taught and told about yourself.

This can cause its own upset though, as if you need to forget who you are, then who are you? Who were you? Was it all a lie? Well, no. That person is still you, but if in later life that person is still feeling pain of any form of rejection then it is important to get that person to see a new perspective.

This may lead to some really uncomfortable truths of actually being real to who you are. This might be painful, not just for you but for the people around you. They’ve been brought up knowing of you as a character. Unless you break that pattern they will continue to treat you as that character causing you more pain knowing that you are no longer that character for me.

I’ve gone through a number of characters in my lifetime.

  • The twin
  • The student
  • University me
  • First career me
  • Cardiff me parts 1 & 2
  • This latest version of me

Each of these characters of mine have helped me navigate those times of my life. Breaking out of each these characters caused pain to me and those around me. Not deliberately, we just grow up, we grow out of friendships. 

As the student, that meant losing my guitar playing friends who had zero interest in going to university. Going to university meant fortuitously being away from my family so I could actually be myself for the first time ever. I found my voice and my humour. I exploded. Moving back home for a while was very difficult as my ‘role’ in the family still hadn’t changed.

Moving to Cardiff; the big city life was very odd as the office was massive, I was one person. I knew no no else in the city and I lived with a housemate who really just wanted the flat to herself. 

I then moved to the cancer charity where I still work at the time of writing this. I joined the choir, went on a acting workshop, developed self-confidence through the roof not seen since going to university. I now had friends in this new and strange place and hobbies and interests that I could share with others. It was fantastic.

Followed by the breakdown and regrowth following that to where I am now. Trying to remain creative and writing and sticking to a strict schedule to make sure no balls, or as few balls as possible don’t get dropped. I feel, again, like I know what I want in life and career. I’m doubling down on helping others and want to inspire that in others through coaching.

I’m very excited to see if I can make it work and whether I get the results from people who could benefit from my help using Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) and Solution Focus based on my experience. Will this lead to the shedding of yet more people? Probably. Will that open the door for people to help me progress in this world with similar feelings and ambitions? More than likely.

Going throw the pain to reach you who you want to be is just like shedding your skin as a snake. We outgrow that previous version of ourself and we go out into the world bigger, bolder and braver, all the while feeling more content and at peace knowing that we can better navigate the ups and downs that life throws at us.

What a wonderful place that is.

Audition: Rejection(s)

Fairly recently I’ve found myself on the receiving end of three rejections for drama school. As much as I was put off A LOT by the first audition – I was awful – I still showed up for the two, well sort of. My third audition was via self-tape due to COVID-19.

I therefore have only missed out on one type of audition, the group audition. I’ll gladly have that stay way from me for now.

The first audition was ‘arrive at such a such a time, allow up to four hours.’ What this meant in reality was that all prospective candidates arrived at the same and exchanged awkward small talk not knowing what we’d all be doing over the coming hours. We were then ushered to a tiny meeting room and basically told to wait until our name was called. This was great insofar as we all got to know each other quite and our monologues would be done in private but awful as it meant that no one really knew when their turn was going to be or even where the nearest water dispenser was!

The two people looking after us did their best and prior to our name’s being called they would take us out of the room and allow us time to prepare monologues in the section by the lifts…

The assessors were lovely but going in after 3 and a half hours was not my favourite thing to do. I was really bad. It was my first ever audition for any type of drama school.

Secondly, the audition I flew too! That’s right, just before lockdown came into being I was in Bristol Airport travelling to a city I had never been to before to take only my second ever audition! This one was far more organised. Probably helped by the email I received that if travelling airplane please feel free to audition via self-tape only. What I had learnt in the first audition was that I’m much better performing to a ‘crowd’, even if I had to start again! So I flew up anyway.

My allotted time was my actual time to be seen which was great. They had some people withdraw due to COVID-19 so I could be seen slightly earlier too. Lovely two person panel again and this is where things got interesting.

My Shakespeare monologue is one of Benedick’s from Much Ado About Nothing. When completing this in the first audition I was asked to strip right back to pure emotion and the ‘hurt’ my character was feeling. I had some good feedback following my second rendition of the piece after shrinking it. Although conflicted as I thought I understand the piece and the context of the monologue I went into the second audition toning down my effort and was then asked to build it right the way up and be the brash character Benedick is… So confusing.

I felt really proud of my second audition and left feeling jubilant. When I applied for these schools I was optimistic but not under any illusion that I would get in first time but I was proud of my two attempts.

Fast forward a couple of weeks and COVD-19 has reared its ugly head and closed all gatherings, including my third audition. I would now have to audition via self-tape denying me the opportunity of having the full group experience. I was sad about this as putting myself in uncomfortable positions is now how I see my life. I didn’t quite realise how uncomfortable isolation was going to be and the impact it would have on my desire to put myself out there; it has taken me over three weeks to start writing or singing or do anything creative and I forced my hand with these by doing a Facebook Live everyday.

The night before the cut off point was when I finally got round to recording and submitting the self-tape. I know that I do better when in front of people and in each of the two auditions I had been given direction and was able to chat. The absence of this made me feel very underwhelmed but I did it anyway and submitted after having my niece be tech support holding my light up for me to make sure the room wasn’t too dark.

I’ll share my Shakespeare monologue with you at some point and I hope you enjoy it, but don’t replicate it for two reasons:

  1. I’m not you
  2. It didn’t get me a place in any of the schools

The third school’s rejection email was beautiful making distinctions about how our performances and subsequent rejections were not an indication as to how good or bad our talent was. That was nice to receive for the last one.

It reminded me of how different the perception of pieces were between schools one and two and how the first one changed my preparation for the second audition. The truth is that neither interpretation is wrong or right.

This is why we must carry on along the path that we have set for ourselves. No, I’m not going to drama school this September, but neither are the 1000 or more people who applied to the same institutions and it probably has nothing to do with talent and way more to do with perceptions and luck on any given day. We have the power to create good luck by turning up and doing our best on each given day that we strive toward what we want to achieve, using our personalities to shift perceptions and feelings in the room.

We’re all more similar than we like to think so plucking star students out of the room is difficult. Was I down about my first audition, yes, but that’s because I let myself down; and got a parking ticket! But even though I didn’t get beyond the first stage in the two other schools I can hold my head up high. I can learn from those experiences and use them to make me better able to influence a panel and more sure as to what I am going to bring into the room.

Casting Directors will write about ‘be bold’ in the audition, I think I know what that means and if this is an endeavour I want to persist with then going bold and less polite is definitely the order of the day.

Public Speaking and Auditions

If there is one thing I love it is public speaking. I don’t know why, but if you give me a topic to run with I will go full tilt talking about it on stage in front a group of strangers.

I love talking about things that I am passionate about and I recently shared on my Facebook an Ignite Cardiff talk I gave late in 2019. I talked about how Acceptance and Commitment Therapy (ACT) had helped me, even before I knew it was helping me in pursuit of wanting to become an actor.

I’m still not a professional actor but putting myself in positions that will more than likely return with a ‘no thanks’ really pushes me into wanting to be the best that I can be. In 2019 I was in 9 theatrical productions and loved every single one, I was also in student films and working during this time too and more importantly still auditioning for other roles too!

These led me to my worst audition ever.

Before I get there I want to let you know that I was typically rehearsing for three shows at any one time, rehearing Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday and twice on Sunday… It was a mad time and really didn’t leave a lot of time to practice anything else.

However, always one to overstretch myself I was still applying for different shows, as you never know what you’re going to get and if your pipeline dries up you might not end up in something over the three months running into a show.

I turned up at one audition and he wanted a monologue and a song, for amateur theatre. I hadn’t properly prepared at all and I’ll be honest, it was embarrassing.

Never again will I enter a room unprepared again.

However, I still entered the room and gave my best rendition and walked out of that room knowing I had done it. This would put me in good stead later in the year when for work I would deliver a speech for a conglomerate of businesses in the third and health sectors and later that week a talk for Diabetes UK. 

These talks were no different in relation to time I had to prepare for them but having gone through the embarrassment of that audition I now knew what key points I wanted to get out of the talk.

I knew how I wanted people to feel after they heard me.

This is what is important to me when I take to a stage or talk, or speak to anyone or perform onstage. More recently, my series of live streams I’ve been doing with my sister on HelloTomDyer on Facebook.

I want you to feel different after you’ve heard from me.

Speaking in front of an audience is different. In the coming days I’ll be sharing a version of a talk I was due to give to the University of South Wales. I recorded it at home due to lockdown and it is nothing like the Ignite Cardiff talk I gave in late 2019. I need that buzz or anticipatory energy to really spark. Recording a passionate talk in an empty kitchen is still something I need to work on.

What are your thoughts on public speaking and what have you learnt?